Classic Friday night problems – what Netflix show will I waste my entire night then regret watching in obscene amounts. Lucky for me, Fuller House made its debut.

An episode or eight in (who knows…I’m still watching…) Stephanie is loving being an aunt and DJ makes a “when you’re a mom…” comment. She then starts to bawl (immediately, I also start to bawl) and explains that she cannot have children. My heart sank as I imagined the onslaught on comments and questions she would face for an eternity.

“When you have kids…”

“It’s it time you had some kids…”

“You two really need to get on that…”

All these seemingly innocent gesturing questions are the icing on the shit cake that is the life of infertility. Those moments when people want to encourage you and support you but say these things that make you want to punch them in the face. Gracefully, you keep it together and make some remark about “We’re on it!” while your DH waits until that moment when you’re finally alone and lose your mind.

It’s hard. It’s really hard. And to be honest, I’ve given up the sugar coating. “Why are you vegan?” “Because I’ve been struggling with infertility for over two years and I’m worried about the effect animal hormones are having on my body.” …EERY SILENCE…

I’m living my truth. Most people get extremely uncomfortable when I talk about it. There’s also this guilt people have about not wanting what I want or about having what I want – but that’s on them. I’m never anything but adoring and supportive for my friends and family that are having children. It is a wonderful and beautiful experience that I pray for daily. I also don’t expect everyone to want to have kids. That would be ridiculous. But I am ok with everyone knowing that I want them really badly and for whatever reason, it’s not going well. I’m fine because when I get to have my babies, I’m going to be the most in love I have ever been and may lose friends about the obscene amount of Instagram and Facebook photos I will be posting. I will not hesitate to do what I feel is right for my family and will never worry about what someone thinks about the choices that I’m making as a parent because I will have earned my right of passage. I also want my babies to know how hard I worked for them, that I would never give up and that when they are here I will continue this life-long journey with them.

Here’s to clomid round 2 hormones, 20 vials of blood work, and a fertility clinic portal login. Cheers!