infertility

So, turns out – no triplets. Classic.

At least this time I didn’t seem totalled by the entire experience. Just my standard, “Once again I’m not pregnant” moping around. None of this “I really thought this time was it” bullshit that breaks my heart.

Upsides include getting an OBGYN. Now I have that interim person to do any of the procedure things PCRM needs, i.e. the HSG I will be going for this month hopefully, and watch over me once I become pregnant. This was the first meeting where I was face-to-face with someone discussing my infertility without bawling my eyes out. I’m here now, these are the steps, this is what we’ve done, these are our options, this is where you are in our journey, and this is what I want from you. At this point it’s been repeated so many times I was able to detach and deal with just the facts. Apparently the HSG will be extremely helpful. It will show the shape of my uterus, if there are any blockages and may even help clear the path if the blockages are minor. It is apparently a very viscous substance that will help the X-ray get a dyed scan and cause me extreme pain and discomfort that I will have to talk myself through and convince myself that it was all for the massive amount of information I will receive. Sounds fabulous.

I also, in what may seem like a surprise….insert eye roll…will have to go for more blood work!

I will be starting my third and likely final round of Clomid this month. It would appear the stars are aligning in that if this month doesn’t work, hopefully my clinic will have enough information that we can move forward with a more effective plan. I am still only taking 50 mg and will be taking them on days 3-7. My OBGYN says theres not much behind the days but whichever I prefer is fine.

On the upside, I get to use my stupid ClearBlue OPK computer thingy this month. I was honestly hoping to return the damn thing, but that is not the case.

My only reprieve is the half-marathon I’ve sign up for which is causing me great concern and will require me to begin running immediately. This month will be filled with wonderfully long runs and blissful yoga. Meditation, smoothies and reading books.

My mental health is weary and I need a break.

Classic Friday night problems – what Netflix show will I waste my entire night then regret watching in obscene amounts. Lucky for me, Fuller House made its debut.

An episode or eight in (who knows…I’m still watching…) Stephanie is loving being an aunt and DJ makes a “when you’re a mom…” comment. She then starts to bawl (immediately, I also start to bawl) and explains that she cannot have children. My heart sank as I imagined the onslaught on comments and questions she would face for an eternity.

“When you have kids…”

“It’s it time you had some kids…”

“You two really need to get on that…”

All these seemingly innocent gesturing questions are the icing on the shit cake that is the life of infertility. Those moments when people want to encourage you and support you but say these things that make you want to punch them in the face. Gracefully, you keep it together and make some remark about “We’re on it!” while your DH waits until that moment when you’re finally alone and lose your mind.

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It’s hard. It’s really hard. And to be honest, I’ve given up the sugar coating. “Why are you vegan?” “Because I’ve been struggling with infertility for over two years and I’m worried about the effect animal hormones are having on my body.” …EERY SILENCE…

I’m living my truth. Most people get extremely uncomfortable when I talk about it. There’s also this guilt people have about not wanting what I want or about having what I want – but that’s on them. I’m never anything but adoring and supportive for my friends and family that are having children. It is a wonderful and beautiful experience that I pray for daily. I also don’t expect everyone to want to have kids. That would be ridiculous. But I am ok with everyone knowing that I want them really badly and for whatever reason, it’s not going well. I’m fine because when I get to have my babies, I’m going to be the most in love I have ever been and may lose friends about the obscene amount of Instagram and Facebook photos I will be posting. I will not hesitate to do what I feel is right for my family and will never worry about what someone thinks about the choices that I’m making as a parent because I will have earned my right of passage. I also want my babies to know how hard I worked for them, that I would never give up and that when they are here I will continue this life-long journey with them.

Here’s to clomid round 2 hormones, 20 vials of blood work, and a fertility clinic portal login. Cheers!

fraserfundamentals

Wholesome living and loving.

And Onto the Next Month…

When You’re Weeping About Stephanie Tanner’s Infertility